If you are on this site, you will find yourself, more or less, in this article. And it may change your life.

A student writes,

Hi Sophie, I think I take trivial and superficial things too seriously. How can I let go of these immaterial incidents or people and focus on important things that truly matter to me?

I also find out that sometimes I become the victim of scams.

this was my answer

This is the sign of two things, Kate: 1. your map of reality isn’t very similar to reality. 2. you have too much importance attached to nice words about you… i.e. you want to be defined by words not by your actions.

It is the main reason I read the book Feelings, to find out if there is a way for people to give up being attached to these “marker feelings” and be addicted to them.

Some is normal, but if it is just getting offended, then it is useless.

What you have never done is you have never listened to what people are saying as feedback. You have never gotten that you are weak at meeting other people’s expectations of you. Why? Because of your upbringing, you have an inflated sense of yourself. Inflated because it is only hot air. Not real value… without you being able to meet other people’s expectations.

Now, how to listen to feedback? First say: what if it is true? what would be true about it? what expectation do I not meet? what is the expectation of me to do, say, look, think?

Can I do it? Is it immoral? Unethical?

Meeting other people’s expectation is important because without it your self cannot develop. And also, without meeting other people’s expectations, you will never be able to fulfill your need for a group, or need for procreation.

And you haven’t. And you won’t. Not in Singapore, not in China, not anywhere… because instead of learning to meet other people’s expectations of you, you get offended, defensive, hateful, weepy, or angry.

You can learn a lot of it from books, but you need to practice it with real people.

This doesn’t mean becoming a yes-person… that would be stupid. You can always choose. But you need to look at the feedback, appreciate it, validate it, and choose.

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